lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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