last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
