EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
