South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm getting married
To pizza
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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