Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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