I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Of course I have a pirate flag
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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