Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
