she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize