Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
