Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
