she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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