he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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