Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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