are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
