That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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