While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
