When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
