New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
