remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
