sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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