I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
