i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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