I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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