everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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