end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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