fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
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