do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
