Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
