I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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