I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
