We won't sleep together?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
