You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
