I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Randomize
