Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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