hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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