While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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