you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
