sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I am available for nakedness
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
