Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
