my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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