Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
