3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just want to make out with him forever
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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