I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
