Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
