a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
