wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
