I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
