I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
