I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
