im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize