atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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