Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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