dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
