I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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