Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
