i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
is wine microwaveable?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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