I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
