Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
This house was built for laser tag.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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