Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
