I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
