Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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