I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
