he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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