Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
