He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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