My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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