3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Is Oprah even human
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
