This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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