I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
