The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
