dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
