Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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